I’m very proud of a young man I know. He wrote me, asking me for help in quitting pornography. He recognizes the harm it does, but has found that quitting is not as intuitive as consuming. He doesn’t understand why that is, and has no idea what he can do to curb his impulses to watch.

With his permission, I’m posting his inquiry and my response.

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I’ve been struggling to quit porn for a while now. I recognize that it does terrible things to my mental states, but every time i quit it, i end back online within a month or so. Do you have any advice for breaking the addiction?

Dear _____,

I’m glad you wrote me about your desire to quit pornography. It can be very hard to break that pattern, and while I can attest that it does get easier, you literally won’t be in the clear as long as you’re a male. I’ll explain.

Part of the construction of manhood is the idea of masculinity, meaning that to be a man, you must be strong, emotionless, have many sexual conquests to boot, and anything less then you aren’t a “real man.” I’m not suggesting that these ideas of manhood have manifested in those direct terms throughout your life or have infiltrated your way of thinking consciously, but rather, the world is largely patriarchal, down to its laws, language, customs, and attitudes, and this pathology is deeply embedded in the way we perceive males. Women, on the other hand, are ascribed femininity, which includes a cluster of traits such as fragility, being overly emotional, lacking intelligence; they should also be sexually inexperienced, lest she be labeled a “slut.” These perceptions, too, are so ingrained in the way we perceive females that culturally, we lash out at women who try to assert themselves or have sex or even want to make choices about their own bodies on their own terms. One interpretation of pornography, in a historical framework that sees women fighting for their own rights and to be recognized as equals to men on a social / political / economic scale, is that it is a means of regaining control over these women so that men might oppress them back into their feminine box and shut up.

Even the most critical, most thoughtful of us can’t escape this socialization. This is the world you were born into and it likely will not change in your lifetime.

I get into all of this because I don’t believe the odds of you quitting pornography are that high if your quitting is informed merely by your own desire to remedy, as you say, the terrible things it does to your mental states. This isn’t to say that you are incapable or that you are not strong, but rather, you are addicted to pornography in a world where the vast majority of men are addicted to pornography. You live in a world where even mentioning that you want to quit porn will subject you to ridicule and death threats (I am not exaggerating). Doing it for yourself is possible, but it is not probable, given the world you live in.

In order to quit pornography efficiently, you must understand the how and the why behind your addiction in relation to the direct harm it causes women in front of the camera, recognize the propagandist role pornography plays in oppressing women at home, and confront the reality that the majority of what you are masturbating to is likely, or very likely, rape.

In other words, you must become political. That doesn’t mean you become a vocal anti-porn activist tomorrow (though I would certainly welcome your company), or that you stop masturbating tonight (do it without porn or any visual aids!), or that you punish yourself (feeling bad for yourself won’t change anything). It means you take the moments where you would typically be masturbating to pornography, and the moments you are not masturbating but find yourself sexualizing women at the back of your mind, and instead use your brain to think critically.

I’ve a few direct, actionable things you can do today in order to sharpen your mind.

1) Buy a journal. Get ready to write in it a lot.

2) Read Getting Off by Robert Jensen. It’s an amazing resource, written from the perspective of an anti-porn male. It is free and available here. http://robertwjensen.org/…/02/Getting-Off-by-Robert-Jensen.…. Write about your learnings in your journal. Write about what you learned in relation to yourself. Revisit what you wrote the next day.

3) Each time you feel the urge to masturbate, write in the journal about what you are feeling. Do not allow yourself to “check out” emotionally. Process what you are experiencing. Write until you are positive that you made it through. Revisit what you wrote the next day.

4) Stay cognizant of your thoughts. You might find yourself thinking sexually of a woman you pass by, or are triggered to think sexually when you watch a film. Take a deep breath. Recognize where this is coming from. Write in your journal about this. Revisit what you wrote the next day.

5) Read any number of essays by Andrea Dworkin on pornography. They are amazing and available for free here. http://radfem.org/dworkin/. Write about your learnings in your journal. Write about what you learned in relation to yourself. Revisit what you wrote the next day.

6) Go online and express anti-porn sentiment. Watch what happens. Write about what you observed from other men. Revisit what you wrote the next day.

7) Get to know how the women in your life feel about pornography, its depiction of women, and how it has impacted their lives. Be mindful of how you navigate this sort of conversation, though – it’s much better to listen than to question.

Also, you can always write me and tell me what you are going through. I’m happy to be a support through this. But recognize this: the only one who can get you to quit is you. You’re not going to quit unless you quit. Nobody is going to pull you out of this except for you.

Whew. I think you may have wanted a few tip and tricks and I gave you a mouthful. In any case, I am really glad you wrote me. Feel free to let me know if you need any clarity or if there is anything more I can do for you. I’m really proud of you.

Cheers,
Lovan